I'm looking for sex. Do you know her?
He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".
I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.
when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.
I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.
Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing
Trying to figure out the logistics of putting my laptop speakers on this plate with the last slice of pizza. Too drunk to move the plate. Not an option.
You went into the shower with my roommate and cursed him out asking why he was there
Im breaking out the trunk vodka tonight, its been aged to perfection.
I see you met someone special
Oh dude I know. When something that's supposed stop pregnancies taste like chocolate something's up
Seriously insulted!! You can not share my dick pick with your gay brother. He won't quit poking me on fb
Possibly threw up in my purse last night. Still suspicious of of all actions
Awwww breaks my heart, I just wanna fix his teeth and give him a blowjob.
He pulled out a red and green condom and then started humming "Here Comes Santa Claus." Happy holidays indeed.
I'M SO HIGH I FORGOT HOW TO EAT A STRAWBERRY. A FUCKING STRAWBERRY.
Randomize
