I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.
I woke up this morning and I couldn't find my coffeetable. wtf?
i'm 85% sure that if you don't visit me i will do something awkward and potentially dangerous to you in your sleep involving chocolate milk and a sham-wow.
was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?
i effin hate jeff goldbloom.
but i totally would still bang him
She really thought E.D. was a sexually position.
Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?
Better looking than her though please.
id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night
he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off
Smoked a joint with my old camp counselor and now we're going to a strip club. There is a god.
You said you couldn't use your body anymore so you made me push the buttons on your phone while you made alien sound effects
You puked on yourself, then demanded to take shower. In which you kept saying "its raining"
I'm not breaking up with him because his husky is having puppies.
They're the one who can profit the most when given the opportunity for blackmail.
At least that's how I've always seen it whenever I've been the Designated Driver.
That simultaneously explains everything and makes me very very terrified of you.
Honey...this isn't my 20's. This is my 30's. I paid for this house and these expensive ass sheets to fuck in them. Get your ass over here.
Randomize
