one might say we're banned from that church
Just toasted a glass of brandy with my own reflection to my dimples. Why are you not here?
I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.
so yall hooked up?
and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.
The prostitute across the street from us is having a seizure on her front lawn again.
He came when Ron Burgundy started playing the jazz flute. How do you think it went?
easter 2014 is on 4/20 THIS IS NOT A DRILL YOUR FAMILY WILL EXPECT YOU TO BE HOME AND SOBER I REPEAT THIS IS NOT A DRILL
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
i asked him to talk to me in french while we fucked and halfway through i caught the word 'lasagna'. turns out he was making his grocery list.....i asked him to keep going.
How many times have we said we'd stop taking Jell-O shots with strangers?
Margaritas just taste better when they're bigger than your head
B. I found a note on my phone and all it says is 'Fuck yeah im a racecar'
Found this cake smashed up inside a box on the sidewalk. Im saying yes to adventure and eating some.
Taking a nap. Sidewalk cake kicked my ass. It had boston creme filling!
I’m doing tequila shots with lesbians. This isn’t how I planned my night but I’m not complaining
So. My mom went grocery shopping for me while I was at work & brought the food here. Cool bc my dildo was laying on the counter. Forgot I left it out. I am sure she saw. Im mortified.
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