soo according to the calendar on my phone, I'm 5 minutes late to have sex with that guy from work. Apparently we planned this, I even set an alarm.
no, i dont want the owner to like me bc i dedazzled my vagina
So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.
you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"
She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.
Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....
I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going
this is a reminder to untag myself in the picture of me flashing the photographer in the morning.
Tommorow.Eggs Benedict and surprise blowjob day
I'm currently looking on facebook to see how slutty the girls from my kindergarden class are now. I have a problem.
On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.
I fucked my ex boyfriend to get shrooms for you guys
That's the sweetest thing I've ever heard
Omg last night I was giving shots out like I was the Willy Wonka of the alcohol world.
It's like "hey I give your roommate blowjobs twice a week, want to connect on LinkedIn?"
Got out of the uber to projectile vomit in the McDonald's drive thru. Gonna take a break from the Cuervo for a while.
Despite how often it occurs, I have absolutely no interest in having sex with myself
Randomize
