You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"
No, don't worry. We're not going to get THAT arrested.
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.
Dangr zzzzzzzzone
I can't remember where my feet are. All I can see are colors, and all I can feel is terror. The lollipop was a bad idea.
Tomorrow's thirsty thursday is now sponsored by the three time champion, chemisty failure. celebration starts asap.
I think my staff loses a little bit of respect for me every time you're in town. I may have to puke at work ...again.
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
That's what jaeger bombs out of teacups will do to you.
What did the sign say that bob stapled to his ass?
Nothin ruins a fine afternoon like shitting ur pants
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
Remembering you have vodka in the freezer gives the same surge of happiness as finding 20 bucks in a coat pocket.
He started out in my roommates bed and by the end of the night was in mine, not sure how that went down. But he left happy in the morning.
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