I could make wine with my vomit
Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!
brownberry?
Yep just saw a license plate that read "taint 2" which implies there is a "taint 1". Only in Florida
we need to stop having unprotected sex.
ya i know. we're like the secret life of the american whores.
So apparently we dropped beers outside the apartment last night, and someone RETURNED them! Ha like what? I just walked out the front door to Christmas in a box on my doorstep.
College is the ONLY place where you can pass off morning sickness as being hungover. I'm currently pouring beer in a spray bottle so I can spray it on myself and smell drunk.
I don't know where I am and I feel like a hippo shat in my mouth. This sofa is comfy though.
The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid
You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.
Life Epiphany- I need to have children so I can be the drunk grandma at family functions. Its my destiny.
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
He came inside and met my grandmother after we had sex in the driveway. I love that he has a van.
it went well until I said "me" instead of "my" and he kept sexting me in character as a pirate
The man built me a fort. Of course he got laid.
OMG also, I'm sorry I tased you a lil
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