Just threw up in a trash can by the ATM. Then pulled out money for weed.
Your drunken mistake is coming over to see if she wants to buy any of our furniture. I know youre desperate, but try not to fuck her, without a condom, for a fourth time, while shes there.
i will pay you if you can come get me. he just suggested that we would have a hockey themed wedding.
We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.
My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.
I pulled my bra out of my dress and handed it to my mom..at cocktail hour during the wedding.
I just want to have weird supply closet sex with him... and then I'll be all set. Fired, but all set.
i've been lying on top of my bed for the past 20 minutes
i'm about to blow half an adderall though and try to rally
So, seriously. How does it feel to know that you're riding a cock that was in kindergarten when you were going to prom?
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
I think there's a problem with society when I'm shopping for lingerie and I think "man some of these would make kickass shirts"
Rigtt?!
All i really remember is meeting this guy dressed as jesus and i kept taking his wine and saying "the body of christ!"
I also woke up in my friends room to 3 girls and a naked boy on the floor but thats besides the point
I got her number but I don't think I'll be able to smash, I was pretending to be British AND I forgot her name
I've spent so much time on tinder lately I just tried to left swipe an instagram photo of my neighbor
How does it make you feel that I can't control my vagina around you?
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