But honestly u used to be a cool guy and lately uve been superame(734): Superlame
He ignores my calls like im some kind of stalker chick
Ive only called 5 times
Sorry I didn't wanna double team his sister. Having whiskey dick and watching you get laid didn't sound appealing
He asked me to coffee and I had no choice but to be honest. So naturally I told him that sobriety and monogomy are not two of my strong suits.
Just picked them up. It took 6 holes and a handle of rum to evolve from golf to a demolition derby.
There's an entire pit crew of cart boys surveying the golf cart destruction.
When did you hit me on the head with a stool?
Picture this: me driving down 183 throwing up into a towel. I just hit rock bottom.
You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.
Please. That's just a patriotism boner. I watched Michael phelps win another medal and had to change my underwear.
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
It's pretty telling that my resolutions all involve who I will sleep with in 2014.
It's important to play to your strengths.
The bros used their bong water as pong water but I walked in mid game and didn't know so they hit our first cup and I chugged it.
Have you ever gotten such awesome underwear you wish you didnt have to wear pants?
But then our conversations are like black box recordings. Just the stuff you hear when the plane is going down
Dude it's unhealthy how much I love vagina in my face
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