I was so drunk last night i ate cereal with a fork.
You realize if you die tommorow, the last memory i'll ever have of you is your ballsack on skype
I just busted my ass on the ice in front of my entire AA meeting. As if being there wasn't embarrassing enough.
Hold on im havin a staring contest with my cat
At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2
Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?
you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one
bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.
I can't believe she made out with my 15 year old brother. That kid can seriously pull.
It would be like if I said I had the cure for cancer and my explanation was I like turtles.
Totally shot down my boss for sex today. Approaching this weekend with a clear conscience and an untouched vagina.
If tits could talk, mine would be bragging
Fuck I forgot the furry convention was this weekend and now I'm downtown. Way too high for this shit.
Lexi was drunk enough at 2pm to say "fuck tom brady and fuck you too" to literally every person at the store in Pats attire.
It's not as funny as it sounds. I shit myself at the company Christmas party.
you put your dick on my shoulder this morning like it was a fucking parrot
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