how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready
Woke up wearing just a scarf, the holidays are definetly here
Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.
She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name
Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing
i remember you telling me to take a shower, brush my teeth, go get back in bed w her, and "just do what i was born to do." and as soon as i stopped yacking i did just that. you saved my birthday.
Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.
next time im at a party and go to fist bump the dude who took my virginity two years ago PLEASE STOP ME
Wrong. I really wanted to see the movie. And she was on top of me like she was riding a mechanical bull. Who am I to complain? I live to serve.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
I'm somewhere between crying and wanting to orgasm.
when I walked in the door they were passed out naked, on top of eachother, with tetris controllers in their hands.
I have two choices: tits or tacos. I just can't decide.
I'm at home, drunk, and I just called the guy I lost my virginity to and invited him to my wedding.. I've got to stop drinking by myself.
Side note: I apologize for sex being the subject of every single one of my texts. That's what happens when you date an older man who constantly denies you sex on the basis of his ridiculous morals.
Randomize
