So ps i'm not pregnant with any athletes illegitimate children : )
if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant
38 yer olds are good kisserssss
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
his blanket is still in the back seat of my car, its like a constant reminder of his small penis
Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.
Was I really yelling "girls night" at random chicks before stealing and drinking all their shots?
I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.
I hope you fall on your chin.
Jealousy makes you ugly.
I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.
Sorrye. The bathtuv says hi. But theresno water in it. I've wanted too tell you for the longest, but nevr could
There should be a company that sends nadgrams. They're like candy grams except the recipient gets kicked in the balls.
I just want someone to shove bread from panera down my throat
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I'm gonna die. First I'm gonna throw up. But then I'm gonna die.
We got to the hospital and the girls who caused the accident had already added you on facebook.
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