Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.
Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.
I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I feel like I just tasted lung cancer.
i wish i had a super power and that that super power was shooting out mdma from my fingertips or something
I get a nose bleed and my uncle is automatically giving me the "your doing lines off dashboards again aren't you" look
The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.
I can say with 87% certainty that i received one of the world's five greatest blow jobs since the Coolidge administration on Saturday night.
You live 7 mins away and I'm leaving in 10 mins. At this point sex before work is impossible.
Challenge accepted. Be naked in 6 mins.
Def over. He sent me a nude selfie but cropped it right above his junk. Total Silence of the Fucking lambs looking.
If my vagina were a person, it just ran a marathon.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
that is very illegal...i love you.
I don't think there's a ladylike way to tell this guy I want to sit on his face
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