He looked me in the chest and said "I think I was visited by the titty fairy last night"
dude, never take two tylenol pm and smoke three bowls. i feel like i'm covered in cold ants.
distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.
ok, I understand that your bathroom door is broken, but at least close the blinds next time you take a shit. The entire parking garage just watched you.
you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.
According to the stories I've heard I decided I was a stuntman after my 6th shot of Jack
The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.
It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.
I'm eating captain crunch out of a cup half full of beer so idk
Just witnessed a fat waitress doing whipits in the back of a waffle house.. my life seems a little brighter..
I started crying then my dog licked his dick so yeah.. Kind of ruined the moment.
I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.
Wanna get mid day margaritas tomorrow if I'm still alive
Simple revenge plan: break into his house and steal one shoe of every pair
At one point did I say I have a doctorate in fuck u?
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