woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.
Can you get arrested or in trouble for punching a dead relative in a casket?
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
Her legal name is Candy. Her being a whore is implied.
it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
Well we get the HIV results on my birthday haha. It'll be like happy birthday kid, you have AIDS.
Denial and avoidance are my survival strategies for 2013.
Denial, avoidance and beer.
Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
Using my graduation announcement box as a table to roll a blunt on. I've official stopped giving a shit about senior year
We had sex on the playground and then walked around his neighborhood grading houses based on their Christmas decorations
Hey I need you to run the morning meeting, for reasons I can explain when I find out where I left my car
Only if I get to be Gritty
How would you be Gritty for a fantasy hockey league?
Don't worry about it.
Randomize
