Ate pizza for the 3rd time today, can't decide if that's disgusting or an amazing aspect of American culture.
I threw up sweet potatoes. Worst thing to throw up ever. They came back mashed.
I had to wash my hair with conditioner because my sister got hammered and gave the dog a 3am sprinkler bath with my shampoo.
Who takes their shirt off at the bar?! Classy broad
I do. In all fairness there was someone else's blood on it.
I woke up this morning with a pop tart under my pillow with one bite eaten. Another pop tart was in the floor. No recollection whatsoever. I ate the one under my pillow for breakfast, though.
NOLA update. Went to Corey Smith at the house of blues last night. Drank PBR and took lots of shots of Jack. Too drunk, cabbed it to the hotel and fell asleep while having sex. Not my finest moment. Now I'm in court. I can't wait to be your attorney.
Guess what I signed up for?!?!?!
Please tell me you're not selling your eggs.
Nothing says summer like lemonaid, but nothing says fuck yeah summer like lemonaid and vodkavodka
Most tragic bathtub-fart of all time. I am going to be late.
I just got winded making my bed. How do you think the workout plan is going?
Why do I have "apologize to Dave Coulier" written on my hand?
Hey, if a dude can't randomly belt out Whitney Houston tunes from time to time, is life really worth living??
Do you remember seeing anyone put a "my other penis is a vagina" bumper sticker on my car?
I've seen too many naked penises for this to be a normal Monday morning
Because of you I can never eat chicken nuggets without thinking of you fucking him. I hope youre happy. I really do.
Randomize
