I ran out of diet so I'm mixing captain with a juice box. Being a mom has finally paid off.
You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.
you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'
what was i wearing?
nothing
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.
I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..
I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience
Just drove past the dude that came in your sock
I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
Also, no joke, I think that raccoon hair is still in my eye from last night.
Within the hour, he sent me 8 texts and 4 voice memos. One of the memos was just him whistling for 3 minutes. ...It's official, I attract the crazies.
I threw up in the middle of a bar last night and still managed to get laid! Happy thanksgiving!
"suitors" is just a nice way of her saying "the guys i'm fucking"
I don’t know how you celebrated 4/20 but I set a Payless trash can on fire
Randomize
