It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
I don't know how I'm boarding the plane tomorrow. I have my car registration.
My vibrator challenges you to a duel.
That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.
She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons
First table when you walk in. Can't miss us. I'm wearing a feather boa and a green hat
You had me at first table
All I know is that at 4 am I was walking down the street in my bra and his shorts and Im pretty sure I passed my grandma on her morning walk.
I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.
Nothing $200 worth of strippers and spicy fried chicken couldn't fix.
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
I went to BBQ fest on Wednesday and came home wearing a different shirt, so I think I did some good damage.
When have you ever know me to go too far?
Besides the alcoholism, the HR issues, and getting fired from Best Buy for tackling a display?
Yeah. Besides those.
Randomize
