guess who just spent driver's ed figuring out how to draw a guy giving head
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?
who says it cant be both...
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.
Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.
This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.
At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...
"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"
His search history includes homemade sex toys and a plunger. I'm scared about what goes on in their place.
There was a cop outside the house so we just put the alcohol in this watermelon
dude when im high using logic is an accomplishment that should be rewarded. make sure u get cinnamon twists
Security has videotape of her blowing the boss against his car. Don't they know he entire parking lot is under video surveillance?
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
I'm going to sleep with this bank teller and I'm going to enjoy it, just try and stop me
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