a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
worst morning ever. completed my walk of shame home to find my parents, grandma, and priest had come down to surprise me on my birthday. now i'm in the car with them to go get my car from the bar.
You might not want to sit on your couch. Actually you may want to throw it away. My bad.
he sent me a winky sad face. i cannot deal this level of pathetically needy flirtatiousness.
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it
Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.
i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.
im still drunk. birthday week begins.
I'm a hopeless romantic that likes rough sex. Judge me
I just used bulldog clips for nipple clamps. Also, a wooden spoon as a paddle. DYI Domination or Ghetto Bondage?
i also remember watching someone vomit off a balcony which was kind of grim
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
I'll give you one guess. It has a cock and I want it
You kept licking me last night.... and said I tasted like jello. Next time, lay off the jello shots, okay?
Sextember may be over, but Cocktober is just beginning!!!
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