break up sex still means we will always be broken up.
I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole
There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian
Yeah, but I'm out of licorice and there's no way anywhere near here will rent us all mopeds on a Tuesday night.
i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice
I respect that
The mexican place next the the funeral home has dollar margaritas, our grandfather would want us to act on this... trust me i know.
how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?
She said i saw her in the study room, waved, disappeared, came back with a coke from god knows where, and slurred "i have a drinking problem but i ate grits"
He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.
He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"
Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.
whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?
Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
After fooling around at the hotel til dawn, I managed to feed her with my free buffet passes. Tastes like sweet victory.
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