I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.
Dude, a dry wedding reception should nullify the vows, because really, without the booze, you might as well be 5 years old again and playing dress-up
I can't wait to see you, I've been doing mouth stretches for the past 2 days
Is waterboarding an exceptable way of getting sober?
Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
I really don't want to. I just don't know how to nicely say "dude I'm having a rough time in life right now and I just need to dress like a stripper cop, get shit faced, and have dirty crazy sex"
I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.
Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.
Taking care of a girl who just peed on my floor so tonight is not a good night for sex
Just scratched my head and I basically rained glitter.
Unless he's under 18, in which case you put him back where you found him this instant.
Let he who has not made drunken spaghetti at 3 a.m. cast the first stone.
how do you know everyone's mad at you?
I just woke up feeling shameful
My mom is dancing slutty on the bar I need more drinks to be ok with this
She puked on the floor because she said she really liked to clean.
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