im at a bar with my dad last night and he got hit on more that I did
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
You weren't a difficult drunk to take care of. I just had to stop you from plunging the toilet once or twice.
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.
I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.
How's my date look?
Like a retarded elf
In a good way
sometimes a perk of being a drug dealer is amazon gift cards. who knew?
Woke up with an e-cig stuck in my asshole. Explain.
All I want is dick and wine.
Why was I so drunk last night that I licked the bar and then the bartenders face? Why didn't you stop me? We can never go back there.
Walking back to my car from the campus library and just saw a Nuva Ring on the sidewalk. If that doesn't scream college life, idk what does.
I dont need your sympathy!!!! Just a fifth of vodka and gummy bears...lots and lots of gummy bears to take my agression out on.
I am real keen for none of this to be taken out of context so let’s just shut it down right now
Randomize
