This isn't the rejection hotline, is it?
My 40 year old neighbors are throwing a party for their eight year old niece's birthday. It's 1am and they're still partying hard. Harder than me. It's Saturday. Just say it, I'm a disgrace to the generation.
We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.
Accidentally just signed something at work 'lotus flower' I need to keep my stripper life separate from real life.
he just started chanting dark meat! dark meat! out of no where.
She always acts like she's doing me a favor with a hand job. I've been giving myself hand jobs for almost 20 years.
Just had a guy dressed only in a towel ask me for a cig, hug me and kiss me then proceeded to pee of the balcony while still talking to me and callin me baby
sarah just described his penis as "like bong-girth." I'm gunna go for it.
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
She danced with a broom while telling me I was "cool as shit" and she "wishes she could take a portion of my big ass and attach it to hers" then she passed out
If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.
You know I'm having a rough day when I'm curled up in the corner eating Spaghettios.
Santa tracker drinking game, you in or what?
In other news, my ex fuck buddy is a surprisingly good wingman.
You tried to chase every shot with a blueberry.
Randomize
