My unemployment check should really just be direct-deposited into the checking account of my drug dealer
Currently separating the burrito I just stuffed in my purse from the weed in my half smoken bowl that was already in it. My what the fuck moment beats yours.
I just took my birth control on the way to class with a 1/2 melted jello shot I happened to find in my purse from Friday night. I told you I was going hard this year.
Dude, she got "I party too much" skinny. She looks like a recovering drug addict.
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I was just doing the math on how much beer we need for the houseboat. in doing so, I came to the conclusion that we need to open a beer distributor business.
We got way too high so we're sitting in the parking lot of the movies trying to figure out what bar to go to
Yeah we do. It needs to be like a good penis- long, substancial, and able to make people cry.
What would you say is the recommended tip for a hotel maid who has to clean up vomit on just about every surface of a hotel bathroom?
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Moral of the story: fuckboys never change
I took multi-tasking to a new level. I just ate a plate of nachos off my lap while driving to the bar. And I barely got any on me.
not only did u rap a voicemail to me last night.... but it lasted so long that it cut you off so you called back to finish..... never do this again
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
