I heard some girl say 'yeah he mustve been so drunk he kept mumbling and repeating himself'
And I thought
Fuck I do that shit every weekend
Just turned rock'em sock'em robots with my little cousin into a drinking game. Im drinking bourbon hes drinking hot chocolate.
If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life
There's a dead squirrel in the freezer. Is that what you stopped to get out of the road last night?
I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?
He's upstairs shouting 'FUCK OFF I'M IN MY MOTHERFUCKING ZEN ZONE' out of the window.
Worst decision of artistic career thus far: bringing a banana to eat on male model day.
YOU'RE FORCING ME TO BLOW A GUY BY NOT ANSWERING MY CALLS
She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.
This morning on my way to work I saw a guy ride his bike straight into a woman and her dog while trying to light a bowl. Thought of you.
God I love dating single dads. They've got their shit at least a little bit together and there's always snacks after sex. #nakedfruitrollups
Also I just had a pointless meeting and the only thing I accomplished were my kegals
Cum just came out of my nose. That is all.
Girl in front of me just swan dove into the middle of the carpeted hallway, stood up, clapped for herself, and then continued walking. My life is complete.
What are you doing tomorrow?
Dude its my bday. Im drinking from sunup til face down. Rinse and repeat.
Randomize
