I can't breathe out the right side of my face
I puked for half an hour, but I went and danced afterwards, and that made me feel better.
You are so irish.
I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.
my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy
Did you see the video of me eating a marshmellow on fire?
I'm super stoned watching the vatican smoke cam. Come over.
don't care how drunk i am. my dick was like "nope, not doing it, you can't make me and i was like oh yes i can"
She was totally amazed that i had the pizza delivery timed to coincide with our nooner and that the delivery boy knew where the broom closet on the 3rd floor was.
I just got called the stable friend. This makes me super uncomfortable
It's very rude to dive mouth-first into someone's crotch without knowing if their wife is cool with it.
He noticed my new Lipstick so later tonight it's going to be on his dick.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
I just found three upside down bottles of grapejuice in a triangle around the air freshener above my toilet... I guess it was one of those nights
I don't know what else is in your wedding gift, but I just pulled out a pair of handcuffs in front of her grandmother.
Also a whip and a blindfold. Don't be a bitch, enjoy it!
Do you ever just admire your boobs?
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