He just screamed at her, "if you pass out i am still having sex with you!!!" In front of the entire party.
He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.
Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.
But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.
Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love
It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills
Everyone was trying to get you to do a keg stand but you refused & instead declared you could do it yourself, crouched on the keg in your 6 inch heels, leaned over, and gave yourself one.
In case you're wondering where my head is at right now, it's wishing that I was getting laid and not having a debate about cheese.
You will never be paid again to get drunk and tell off cops without being arrested. Once in a lifetime opportunity
You're right. Fuck my job. I'm in.
Her husband thinks she's banging me and nothing is going to change his mind so I told her we might as well just bang and make him right
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.
Everyone is like kids first day of school and I'm over here like I need to stop sleeping with random
Why the fuck is there a goat in the kitchen
Everything is bullshit and I hate everyone
Randomize