I woke up in my own vomit, a chunk of cactus in my thigh, shirtless, with jons mom poking at me with a glass of dr pepper and a talk about god....damn alcohol
so we were pounding it out and someone knocked on the wall and was shouting at us
that didnt stop you
nope
turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?
On the bright side since it was a Tuesday you weren't even in jail for the long! that could've been worse!
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?
...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...
Remember when we saw my neighbor taking dick pics of himself? He's back at it!
She judged ME for picking my nose when SHE has the clap.
You are going to come home to a suitcase in the fridge. Just go with it.
This is a mass text. I will facerape you if you bring me Fierce Melon Gatorade and 4 D batteries.
She called and said her prescription was refilled. I guess we are dating again.
I woke up on the green space outside our dorm cradling a watermelon and sucking my thumb. College is crazy man.
Seriously where are the good guys?
The friend zone.
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
