I would like to feed your fingertips to the wolverines.
You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.
...she's taking her top off and singing songs from Anastasia. I swear to God were solumates.
i find it sad that i can no longer sit in the back of class for fear that someone will fart into the heater again.
Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.
my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.
Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.
I blacked out for most of the day but apparently I still met with my prof. I made notes...
Yeah, he's passed out in my bathroom pantsless. Is it a faux pas to look at his penis?
He told me that his greatest skill was making White Russians.
I'm sitting in the shotgun seat of my car on full recline trying to pretend everything is ok
there is a smiley face on my leg painted in blood
I'm pretty sure that's yours.
I am at 99 matches in less than 24 hours, I need a tinder rehab program
my roomie eats chipotle far too often. when i was looking for a bag to throw up in I had my choice of a wlamart bag and 10 chipotle bags
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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