When she said "surprise me" I'm positive she didn't mean "bang my roommate"
Prob not but she was surprised
He ate me out. It was like watching him trying to win a pie eating contest
never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.
At chipotle, there's a bachelorette party starting out the night here, i'm going to let you imagine what the bride to be looks like
Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I just realized I'm the burger in your burger and steak anology. Very disconcerting.
It's hard to be judgmental of others when you are wearing silver pleather.
Seriously, this trumpet player gives me chills. Might be the drugs.
Going through my bras is like traveling back in time through my past hookups and relationships....
You showed your tits for hundreds of beads but magically became shy when there was food on the line
LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.
Nah, I was done when the Big Pun lookalike began to sob and tell me I looked like his ex...
I want you to remember that you started masturbating in front of a car full of people. That drunk.
Randomize
