john hughes is dead. crushing any and all dreams of me ever being in an 80's john hughes film. bummer.
i wish sherlock holmes were still around today... he'd be able to find my g-spot.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.
I think my uterus is still laying in your bed somewhere under the covers.
Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.
We tried to break her futon, I crushed my balls instead. You have one less reason to be jealous that my balls are insanely huge and yours are not.
He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.
Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?
i hope you're proud of yourself! i just had to ask my boss to put ointment on the rugburn on my back. clothes hurt!
Dude, he danced with the dog that some random chick was carrying at the bar. Then the dog jumped out of his arms and ran away. THAT definitely deserves a drink.
unless you want this visit to have a different tone... more romantic, less molly in a hotel room
It's 7am. I'm sitting on the curb in last nights clothes with a nose bleed and no idea how to get home. Low moment I feel.
A girl in McDonalds just asked if I was in here wasted a few nights ago throwing fries at the staff, I said it was my twin
We both know that wasn't me
Bud light made chelada as a breakfast for those of us with class at 8 am
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