Are you kidding me. My sex life has diminshed to having wet dreams about jerking off.
drinking warm bud heavies i found in the garage and googling how to tell the gosselin kids apart.
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
It was like getting head from an anaconda
Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.
he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year
Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.
Ok. I'll enjoy the quiet (translation: I might be naked, call ahead if you come home tonight)
she pretty much pinned my hand to her boob "on accident" for like 10 seconds before she moved. Waiting the rest of the night was just a formality.
I feel like the fact that I slept with someone who dresses up like Batman a few times will never be lived down.
I can always pull a half day at work too. My boss makes exceptions for drug use. Lol. I fucking love my job.
I still can't believe a guy pooped in my backyard
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
He jerked off some dude with a slice of Wonder Bread.
The sports guy?
Yeah. They claimed the bread made it hetero
Hot guy next to me on the flight lives near my grandparents. There’s a 100% chance I end up drunk and naked in his hot tub
Happy Thanksgiving to me!!!
Randomize
