It's a pity Stephen Hawking can't do sarcasm.
Tostitos scoops are the best shotglasses ever. Eat it after as a chaser.
just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.
He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again
I just spent the last ten minutes making a timeline of my sex life. 2010 and 2011 I am calling "I can't believe Im still clean" years.
How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog
My fridge broke, and apparently the back is missing. The repair guy just fixed it with a pizza box. I didn't ask where the box came from, but it wasn't mine. Reason #20 why rent is cheap.
Do u feel more socially accepted since someone else made up their girlfriend too?
i ended up eating cold sauceless spaghetti out of the container in the fridge with my hands.
He was lasting forever and I couldn't take it so I faked an asthma attack
Idk I wanna make it till midnight but I also want tequila
Pretty sure one of my drivers stopped to get laid while he was delivering a pizza. Is it appropriate to give him a write-up AND a high-five?
The cop took you back from the hospital and the lady at the front desk said "how are you doing cal?" You said "how do you know my name?" she responded "you're the only person i've ever seen that can throw up in your back pocket." Skills dude.
They tried to get you to drink water and all you kept shouting was, "NO MORE LIQUIDS OF *ANY* KIND."
It’s official. I’ve hooked up with all three brothers now
You should go after Dad now
I should! He’s definitely middle age fuckable
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