3:26am: come over
you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over
4:11am: mnlodp
dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady
We're smoking a joint the size of the average penis right now. I may not survive.
He's yummy.
HE'S GAY. AND 40.
Irrelevant.
The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.
I told him I had to grab my Swedish fish from the car before they froze. Then I just left. But the fact that he knew how important it was not to have my fish freeze almost made me come back in....almost.
i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point
I just windexed my mirror headboard, Lets get to work.
Oh fuck, I messaged a Jack Kerouac poem to a girl I'm trying to sleep with last night at 4am.
I've hit an all time low I just sent a boob pict to fat Randall the one I gave a partial bj to a year a a half ago
Dude. Going to the Theme park the day after the 4th of July was the worst idea I've ever had.
We are so on opposite sides of the boobs spectrum
My sister's exploding appendix just cock blocked me...
I should've known a straight guy wouldn't know all the words to Moana
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