i got your date sluuuuuuut pick up my calls or else hes mine
I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.
I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.
I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'
I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.
I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind
I keep jumping up and down in front of the mirror naked. The only motivation I would be to stop and put clothes on is if you come over. Hurry.
Do you think Brian would let me smoke while we fuck? I'm not sure ill survive exams without a constant nicotine intake
Dude I thought she was trying to turn my dick inside out
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
Got hit on by the cable guy. Solid 9. Think Orlando Bloom with a glorious curly mullet.
Yes I peed all over myself and lost both my credit cards, who wants to know?
Sitting on the toilet ... Eatin pizza with one hand, petting my cat with the other. I love a sad drunken life
NO ITS THAT IM A SEXUAL DEVIANT AND CANT FILTER MYSELF
Drunk within and hour of coming home from work, merry christmas bitch
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