i just woke up with two martini umbrellas taped to my nipples... idk how they got there
If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.
Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult
He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.
I'm not worried. All I have to do is not be the drunkest painter at 8:00. Golden.
Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.
... and if i was..
Fuck. You.
There's s woman at the corner of the bar dancing by herself in her seat and making eye contact with me. Please hurry.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
The bachelor party was supposed to stay local but I think were in mexico.
im not letting a little injury get in the way of my alcoholic/drug problems. we ARE getting turnt tonight.
his mom called during sex and he made me talk to her I think we're getting serious
So you think Jesus would be proud of me for walking of shame into my apartment 10 minutes before I told my parents I'd be over for Easter?
I'm just too horny to handle empty house
Randomize
