i just fell asleep at my computer and i woke up and in the google bar it said delicious foods to eat
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
she said she likes her vagina punished
being with you and your tiny dick is punishment enough
We woke up in an inflatable kiddie pool full of both empty and full beer cans. In the middle of his dad's office. Oh, and we were locked in. Nobody remembers.
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
you realize that if you hadn't mouthed "we're getting laid tonight", i wouldn't have woken up with your ex this morning. just sayin
Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
Parents weekend was a success.
Yeah, I guess so if you consider being arrested and having your parents bail you out a success...
Bail could have come out of your pocket so yes, I think we were financially responsible this weekend.
I'm doing homework tonight but if you end up going out drinking I would like one courtesy peer pressure text.
I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes
I woke up last night a kitchen floor with my shirt off and I love America written on my leg in eye liner
Remember that time you puked in the middle of wendy's?
Yeah, why?
The staff still remembers me for cleaning it up. Thanks for the free frosty and fries
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Nows a good time to tell him. Just be like "yeah, I used to bang her too and it didn't work out for us either". He'll understand.
Randomize
