My room smells like vodka and shame
Is it a bad sign when i blow my nose && can smell vodka?
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
There are taser marks on me. Your face flashed before my eyes when i woke up and saw them.
when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged
no one is here. wer drinking in the beer garden in the dark and we stole a bucket of blue paint off the sidewalk. now her legs are blue.
Its like the two hemispheres of my brain are in a death match but are two evenly matched for either side to win kinda drunk.
hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?
is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?
how did you know?
I sobered up and saw I was with the fat one and you had left laughing with the hot one. You're a terrible wingman, but an excellent manipulator
HE'S LICKING FROSTING OFF OF THE EIGHTEEN YEAR OLD BOY
I found the crust to my pizza under my covers that's cool
May he have a McRib induced stroke and lose the feeling in his tastebuds.
Ok I'm drunk as fuck already at 529 and this waitress started flirting with me, I wanna bang her for acknowledging my existence
Giiirrrllll. Back to back snaps of dicks. Two different guys sent me their dick at the same time. This is totally what our founding fathers meant with life, liberty, and the pursuit of happiness.
On another note, I think my upstair neighbor is having sex. How awkward would it be if I showed up to her door with a bag of Chipotle?
Randomize
