saw you walking with that piece of shit
and that piece of shit just read that
He just walked into my room in a robe with a cooking pot of cereal.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
My wedding band has saved me from at least four cases of herpes tonight.
Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
Send help, water and tortillas.
Pre-chapter meeting quote: "Why is there a bun literally taped to the shelf? That doesn't even make sense when you're drunk, who does that?"
That was the night I passed out and someone threw chicken at me. SORRY I wasn't available to cockblock you from that Hispanic dude.
Same I threw up in 3 different cities already today
You told everyone to shut up then told the officer that you are 21 when you drink.
false alarm, still single
We were drunk at 3am with no food. I sent him to the lobby with ninety cents for like a bag of chips and I swear on my life he came back with a meatball sub
...did you ask him where he got a meatball sub at 3:00am?
He just kept mumbling something about being a hunter/gatherer
Oh AND he got us two bags of chips.
The kid with the ed hardy shirt put a bunch of random shit in the washer and turned it on. example: a hanger, the movie Chocolate with Johnny Depp, and your mom's cat
He may be a manwhore, but he’s a very well endowed manwhore
That’s an important feature when it comes to a manwhore
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