I do regret it. But I can't unfuck her
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
I woke up on the steps beside a plate of spaghetti and a toilet paper roll ripped in half. And i actually think this day is gonna get better.
When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave
You insisted on squirting shots of captain morgan in your mouth with a turkey baster by like 930.
nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg
He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.
Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.
i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
All I remember from the concert was leaving in an RV full of middle aged people playing circle of death
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
It feels appropriate that the wallet of my high school and college years would die at the hands of a spilled bong. Which in and of itself is a solid metaphor for those years.
I pointed at him and said “there goes mr fuckwad”
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