you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...
Oh they knew you from a bachelorette party! You were the pole?
Ohhh shit yeah that was me. Fuck. I hate myself when I do that.
he referred to his penis as the bashful dwarf from snow white
When did our fuck buddy relationship, turn into me babysitting his dog?
I can only take thier stupid "I think beauty school is for me" routine so long until I have to bitch slap them with some knowledge
Using the only finger i can move, i calculated body mass, intake and time. It's mathematically impossible for me to still have this hangover at 9pm. I passed out at 8pm last night. Fuck vodka.
Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.
So my roommate and I have a written agreement stating that if he tries to sleep with his ex girlfriend, I have to immediately intervene and nut punch him then send her on her way.
this is the most serious roommate agreement ever
He can only pee with the faucet running. It's like I'm dating a fucking toddler.
I am not getting you a goat.
Fair enough. I am not going out with you. The goat was not negotiable.
Personally, if my roommate had a nice friend who made me dinner, gave me free beer, a 4am meal, a couch to sleep on in an apartment on the beach, and breakfast when I woke up, and I found out that said roommate was fucking her, I'd be all... right on! She's cool! Thanks for the quesadillas!
Well I just finished dry heaving so I think breakfast is a little further out for me
So apparently my mom hired someone who goes by "DJ Dog Dick" for the family christmas party?
I woke up with a black eye and a buttplug...not sure I really want to know what happened.
You're going to love the baby's room.
I doubt it. I can't have sex there anymore. That severely limits the appeal of the room to me.
Randomize
