Why is it that every time I type the word "give" my phone spells out HIV?! You know how many people i've told I want to HIV them something!
What do you think that old couple was thinking when they saw me puking in the QT parking lot at ten in the morning?
Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.
the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.
All I know is I was dancing to Shakira in his alley and I think rubbing my junk on his car door.
I replaced his Viagra pills with sleeping pills.
He put a canoe in the lazy river at the water and started paddling away from security
Still dying that you shit outside
Dude. Photoshop a Santa hat on your mug shot and send it as your Christmas cards.
Plus idk what to say. Like hello dapper gentleman will you pursue me in a midnight hangout where I can be choked
I'm still drunk dear. I just woke up 3 feet from the front door with 20 dollars worth of taco bell in my hands.
No no. Thank you. Killed multiple birds with one penis.
You asked me how red your eyes were... they were shut.
Randomize
