Who pooed in my magic bullet?
Sorry the bathroom was being used.
I'm doing a half mile walk of shame carrying a trash bag and still very drunk. Save me. I feel like a refugee.
stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.
I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.
i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay
Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.
You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.
If I had 3 wishes one would for sure be a designated driver for life that gives hand jobs.
I fucked your neighbor. Welcome to the new apartment!
I'll keep supplying drugs if you teach me piano.
just had a woman ask me to donate my eggs so that her baby could look like me. don't know whether to get a restraining order or be flattered. thoughts?
Randomize
