he yelled at me for calling the fat girl fat. if I can't call out fat girls to my brother who do i have?
I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Why is there a water bottle full of red wine on my desk this morning?
See you tonight.
NoShamevember. You game?
If she wants experimental lesbian sex, i call dibs
I mean.. listen to "Put It In My Mouth" and you'll get the gist of my voicemail for you.
So...guess who had sex tied to the ladder of a caboose under the stars in Joshua Tree? This bitch
I mean, I introduced myself as "the after party". I think he knew early in the night he was in for a bangathon.
It's cuz all she eats is salt lick, human souls, and fast food
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
I am all the way hung over and want nothing more in this world than a McMuffin. Happy day after Thanksgiving.
Hiking for a first date sounded like a good idea in theory because there was absolutely no possibility of me blacking out. In practice, I'd rather black out than go through what I just went through.
How do u explain to your grandma that your relationship status is hooking up with randoms at a bar
I asked him if we were exclusive and he followed up with, "If a tree falls in the woods and no ones around, does it still make a sound?" Wtf am I supposed to do with that?!
Randomize
