If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
genius alert. I just invented a contraption made of toilet paper and rubber bands that makes it so your balls don't stick to your leg when you wake up from sleeping. I call it, The Balldozer
So I don't think its herpes anymore. Could be a sign of diabetes though. Is it bad that I consider getting diabetes 'dodging a bullet'?
make sure to take notes today. there is a guy in a wheelchair who might be getting a DUI from a cop on horseback. I'm gonna see this through.
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.
Man in California was arrested for killing and eating a wild bobcat while high on crystal meth. Let's please NEVER get that high on anything...
Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.
I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises
That moment half way through a run when you realize you have to take a giant shit. I was racing against my bowels that last mile. Now my sweat is suctioning my ass to this toilet seat. Enjoy that NSA.
Man, I meant to go dancing, but accidentally took mushrooms and just threw the frisbee in the park
Surprise ending
Drove by a guy getting road head, midday on O Street. That could be us, but you won't let me in your pants when you drive.
You did a cartwheel, it was terrible.
I remember that cartwheel, it was okay.
I hooked up with a guy named Quan.. I literally hit the Quan
One lesson I've learned so far from college: You've always got time for one more shot. Always
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