I smelled like jager and penis. The only cure was a pack of camels and plan b.
Its like im going on a blind date, but ive already had sex with her
i almost got kicked out of the rave because i was trying to get in on some couple's makeout sessions
The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.
At least I'm doing lines with a notecard. That counts for something right
She just asked if I wanted to eat nachos off of her boobs... I'm going to marry this girl.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Trying not to ruin Mother's Day with the enormous hickey on my neck. Nice.
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Ethically, this is the worst thing I've ever done. Financially, however...
It took me an hour to walk from my drive way to my front door... what the fuck was in that weed?
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
He's the one named Andrew. In his profile picture he is the one on the right in the monkey costume.
Randomize
