The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
I bought a bottle of 100 proof for the storm. I am going to drink until I pass out. I'm taking bets. 1:30 pm is the over/under.
bubblegum was invented today. we're getting drunk. end of story.
And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?
somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car
Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.
Mom brought home a 36 pack of Smirnoff and was all "ring any bells?" and then winked. I'm scared. What does she know?
I feel like, for the first time today, we had a healthy yolo.
Just saw a man downtown with a cat just riding on his shoulder like a furry parrot. He may be homeless, but I think he's your soul mate.
Never go with a hippy to a second location. I fucking hate Xanax.
The other night he asked if I had a condom and I said I had an IUD. and he goes OMG A BOMB?
Sorry about my life...
I'm still not sure how to feel about the fact that we had a threesome with a guy the same age as my dad
ARE YOU DEAD? TEXT Y FOR YES OR N FOR NO.
So...I know we have a conversation later this week. But one of the key things I want to know is if I can specify having my body mummified and buried in Egypt (or at least nearby the Luxor in Vegas). How much money do you think that would cost? Do I need to increase my life insurance policy?
Randomize
