I just farted in the dogs face to show him who's boss
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much
the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.
She cried the whole movie and got kicked out for saying "[Santa's beard] looks so soft I wanna stick my dick in it." We're going again next week. Drunk animation majors are the best
I made $130 by ordering two pizzas and charging them $10 a slice. If they weren't so stoned they might have realized they could have just ordered another pizza for $20.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
My roommate fed me my birth control pill while I was hungover laying on the couch so that's how my morning has been
Kelly and I just had sex, and you didn't call or text to interrupt, are you alive? We are both concerned.
Well I've consulted some psychics but they keep saying all they hear in my head is screaming and all they see in my future is pool noodles and cheese dip?
you bleached my bangs. i have an interview later today and you assholes bleached my bangs.
Fuck him and his perfect arms, huge penis and relentless ability to ignore me.
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Granted, I did not plan to spend ANY hour of the last day of 2020 sober.
Randomize
