Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
don't go back without me... they'll know i'm pooping.
the guy at the pet shop just had an eye seizure while looking at my chest
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.
I distinctly remember seeing your nipples from the deck.
Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?
Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin
He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying
I apparently insisted on hugging all the bushes and apologizing for pollution on the way home.
Be proud. All I did last night was roll around in my nun costume selling drugs. I love Halloween.
Was my mother there when I broke the stipper pole?
No biggie, just trying to keep my liver function in the green
Can u pick me up? Lost my keys.
Sure. FYI- you "lost" them on the roof, trying to throw them over the house.
...I just added shower water to my vodka on ice\n#sendhelp
I think sunday funday got a little out of control. There is cheese slices and BBQ sauce all over the roof and 4 empty bottles of vodka in my room.
Randomize
