I think I'm going to start texting all the people that don't want to talk to me
I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.
and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.
Just think, this time last Cinco de Mayo you were holding me up and finding me passed out in the yard of that house.
Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?
Also, you tried to make me learn all of the presidents, in order, with a picture book as an aid. At 4 am. What the fuck?
I have Denny's hours of operations written on the palm of my hand....not in my writing, in a girls writing, is that as good as or equal to a cell number?
I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL?
I've reached the gravitational age where it's very hard to get my face and my boobs in the same shot without some kind of yoga involved .
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
Brightest idea yet: lets drink enough at ladies-drink-free nights to make up for the cost of tampons. Breaking even on having vaginas!
Client visitor days are the worst. If I have to wear a tie and can be hungover at least have the decency to find some more attractive visitors
Btw...refried beans is a terrible thing to throw up.
At one point she whispered in my ear "I overdrew my bank account today" but besides that it was an awesome lap dance
Ever since I got to LA my dream self has been having sex with way too many rabbi's.
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