someone called me shannon dorrhety annnd it hurt my feelingsd.
we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.
Your christmas gifts are already wrapped, how on top of my shit am I?
I'm hungover as fuck and had to break into my own house by throwing a cinder block through my back door at 4am. You're more on top of your shit than me.
You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...
I apologized to him for my lack of boobs after he felt me up
So glad the long weekend is over so I can bring this bender to a merciful end.
Well I met my booty call's parents by accident, so that happened.
He passed out. I tried to set his chest hair on fire.
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Maybe whip a sausage around while you do it and pour some beer on you. Like a German white snake video
I got a hand job after work. Remember those? From the 90s...
THAT BEAUTIFUL FACE AND HEAVENLY LIGHTING IS NOT HELPING THE NOT DEAD POINT HOW DO I NOT KNOW YOU ARE NOT TEXTING ME FROM THE AFTERLIFE
The after life smells like latex gloves and hand soap
These rednecks don't fuck around. This party is completely BYOB and we now have 6 kegs, 3 of which have already been emptied.
Randomize
