I fell asleep on the toilet again last night...
The sex was so not worth the four dollars it cost to drive over the bridge
Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.
im here for your entertainment
Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off
Is it bad that I see a party full of girls I know he has fucked as a challenge for me to be the one who ends up in his bed?
we were playing waterfall, then strip waterfall, then we were just listening to music, drinking, and slowly becoming more naked
C'mon. I'm still an alcoholic at heart, regardless of its broken or not
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
Well. We had sex and then watched 6 episodes of Dateline NBC together; only breaking the silence to make disapproving noises at shotty police work. So basically yea I'm gonna marry him.
Maybe I'm not hungover. Maybe I'm actually dying.
Dude I bought tampons with cardboard applicators by accident and now I know my vagina hates the 1960s
When the vodka monkeys are playing a drum solo in my skull tomorrow, remind me I tried to sterilize my body from the inside with titos
I FLASHED A GUY AT MCDONALDS FOR A FREE BREAKFAST BURRITO. IT WORKED!
i just sneezed the second i jizzed and it got in my eye. words can't describe how much i hate life right now.
No, I told him I was busy again this weekend. Eventually he’ll learn. Plus, absence makes the cock grow harder
Randomize
