I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while
Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"
Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.
he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
my sober ride is dancing w/ a fat girl. i might be awhile
Nothing like an alcohol-fueled, 6-hour-long hunt for weed--complete with occasional breaks for sex.
Just saw a guy I fucked in a clown suit in the bar. It's not Halloween. I have got to start making better life decisions.
Only Jon could get an entire commuter train to chant "Ride! Jon! Home!" to get a girl in bed.
I won't trust your judgement until the word stripper doesn't make me laugh
I'm so glad we both made out with him though. I feel like that really brought us together
Or I could hide in your trunk so you can sneak out of putt putt for sex breaks
I'm sitting here with a heating pad and a fan on me eating snow caps off of my boobs
You left your Xanax bottle in my car. Why is the label all smudged?
I spilled wine on it.
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