don't wear any deodorant. we have to do everything we can to sabotage this wedding
Someone should've told Pope jumper lady and terrorist pants guy that the Worst of 2009 lists already went out....
I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.
You defs just slept for 6 hours in a porta pottie. You should probably just kill yourself.
Gonna bang his former student. Clearly I am winning this breakup.
Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.
getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am
I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.
I just want to be able to run around naked and eat grass with no judgments and have people feed me and expect me to sleep all the time.
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
I just accidentally deep throated a popsicle in front of my parents
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
Feels weird riding an elevator with my tongue in my own mouth.
I bought two pregnancy tests and a cosmopolitan magazine at 4am... I told the cashier "dont judge me, ur not God"
He sent me a pic of his coffee mug to be like "I'm having coffee too.” \nImagine that. Morning coffee. In your boring ass mug. Dick pic or gtfo.
Randomize
