her vagina looked like a handful of raisins.
I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"
So you threw a sword at me last night
I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.
Oh please tell me that I'm sleeping in your shower and not the neighbor's again
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
I feel I must have sex with him first to fully decide where my vagina belongs.
I can't. Currently naked covered in Nair trying desperately to catch his cat that rubbed up on my leg.
I hate that cat.
We hooked up for a while and on his way out he high fived me and said "stay weird"
you missed 2am bagpipes and my roommate looking hot as fuck in a kilt
He's like a Lana del Rey song that took human form
This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos
Thanks for the reference. If your boss hires me, I'll buy you a drink.
If my boss hires you, I'm going to need it.
MY DINNER LAST NIGHT CONSISTED OF SEMEN AND A PROTEIN SHAKE... MY TRAINER WOULD BE PROUD I DIDN'T HAVE CARBS!
Randomize